The letters and emails that I often get about surviving infidelity mostly come from women who are dealing with the aftermath of their husband cheating. Many are concerned that their husbands are not truly sorry about the affair, not really. Most of the wives think that their husbands only have remorse because they have been caught. But yesterday, I received an email from a husband. This man was deeply sorry about the affair, wanted very much to save his marriage, but he told me that his wife would not believe anything that he said. No matter what he said, she (quite understandably) would not trust him. He wanted to know what he should say or do to show his remorse about his cheating to his wife. So, in the following article, I will share with you what I told him.
Make Sure Your Wife Knows (Without A Doubt) That The Other Woman Is COMPLETELY Out Of The Picture: Knowing that your husband carried on with someone else is devastating for a woman. But, worrying that your husband is still seeing or interacting with this woman is excruciating. Frankly, expecting your wife to trust you again when or if you haven't completely banished this woman from your life is too much to ask.
Your wife must know that she has no competition, that the only thing that she has to worry about right now is healing and working on her bond and marriage with you. So, make sure that your wife knows that this woman will no longer be a factor or an issue.
Volunteer To Be Accountable. Respect Her Need To Check Up On You: Even the most trusting or loving woman is going to second guess herself (and you) after an affair. It's completely normal, even with the best intentions, to worry that the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. It's highly likely that her friends are telling her to watch you like a hawk and not to let her guard down for a second. The need for self preservation is just human nature, and is nothing personal against you.
Although it may feel like an invasion of your privacy, you must allow your wife this luxury for a while. Give you full access to your phone, email, credit card bills, etc. - anything that she needs to feel secure in the fact that you have nothing to hide. Ask her to come along with you when you're going somewhere, try to include her in as much of your life as you can because doing so will show her that you have no desire to go off by yourself or with someone else.
Now, admittedly, there will come a time where this checking up has run it's course. You shouldn't have to be on surveillance for the rest of your life. But, you should give your wife some leeway here because it's very natural and understandable that she's going to have doubts.
Be Willing To Do Whatever You Have To Do To Fix This: First off, you must take responsibility for your actions. Never say things that place the blame onto your wife. Listen, we've all heard the accusations that if wives made their husbands happy at home, there would not be affairs. But, this old refrain is so lame. Everyone has choices in life. No one has the perfect marriage. We all wish that our spouse's would give us more attention and appreciation. Everyone feels this way. You weren't the only one. But, not everyone chooses to cheat on their spouses rather than doing something else to work this out.
So, you must understand that fixing this, for the most part, starts with you. Educate yourself about what is needed to fix the issues that contributed to the affair. Be honest with your wife without placing blame or contributing to more hurt. And, be honest with yourself about any triggers or adjustments that need to be made. If overnight trips or going out with certain friends are just too tempting for you, then you must stop this behavior. If you need more attention and intimacy from your wife, lovingly tell her, but we willing to give a little bit to get something in return.
Women often can not get physically free until they first get an emotional nudge. What I mean by that is that a woman probably won't be completely open physically until she feels completely loved, understood, and appreciated emotionally. Be willing to do this work before you set any expectations for your wife. And, don't pressure her or insinuate that she should be over this or progressing more than she is. You've dealt her a devastating blow and you must be patient as she navigates this.
Support Her In Her Efforts To Feel Better About Herself: I'm going to tell you pure and simple that being cheated on is a huge death blow to a woman's self esteem. Striking and beautiful women will suddenly feel ugly, undesirable and old. Women who are still in their prime begin to doubt that they still "have it." In order to heal, your wife will often need to do some work on her self esteem. Many women will want to change or improve their appearance. Many want to lose weight, get a make over, or go back to school.
Sometimes men will feel intimidated by this. Many are afraid that this "new and improved" version of their wife will cheat herself to get back at them, will outgrow them, or will remember their resentment and find something else. I understand these fears, but you must allow your wife to become her best self because as she gains confidence, this will likely benefit you. As she learns to love herself, she'll know that she can handle anything and so the nagging doubts that contribute to her being doubtful and unsure will start to lessen and this will improve your situation.
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